If love is blind, why is lingerie so
If love is blind, how can we believe in
love at first sight?
Why isn't the word "phonetic" spelled
like it sounds?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word
'lisp' to have a 's' in it?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow
get to work in the mornings?
When they ship Styrofoam, what do they
pack it in?
Can people who work in doctors offices
call in sick?
If olive oil comes from olives and corn
oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If a word is misspelled in the
dictionary, how would we know it?
Why are there interstate highways in
What happens if you get scared half to
If teflon is non-stick, how did they get
it to stick to the pan?
If it's zero degrees outside today, and
it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is
it going to be?
Why do they call it "getting your dog
fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
How do you let people know you painted a
"wet paint" sign?
How do you know when you're out of
Where do forest rangers go to "get away
from it all?"
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
If a person with multiple personalities
threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage
When a cow laughs, does milk come out
How do you throw away a garbage can?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would
they call it Fed UP?
If you shoot a mime, would you have to
use a silencer?
Why do irons have a setting for
If you take an Oriental person and spin
him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called
"Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
You know how buttered toast always falls
buttered side down and cats always land on their feet?
What if you buttered the back of a cat? Which side would
it land on?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as
Why do they call it stationary if you're
supposed to mail it?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf?
If a #2 pencil is so popular, why is it
If a fly didn't have wings, would we
call it a walk?
If a pig loses its voice, is it
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a song about him?
What would happen if somebody cared that
Jimmy cracked corn?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee
If Wile E Coyote had enough money for
all the Acme products, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If you are addicted to dancing, do you
have to go through a 12 step program?
Why do women wear evening gowns to
nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your
thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens
to the other penny?
How do you know if a crouton is stale?
Why do croutons come in airtight
packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why does sour cream have an expiration
When cheese gets it's picture taken,
what does it say?
What does "it" mean in "what time is
Why is a person who plays the piano
called a pianist but a person drives a race car not
called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy
Why do overlook and oversee mean
Why do fat chance and thin chance mean
the same thing?
If horrific means to make horrible, does
terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen
defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be
delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
Why is it that if someone tells you
there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will
believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint,
you have to touch it to be sure?
Why are they called stairs inside but
Should a crematorium give discounts to
Why do we wait until the pig is dead to
Is there another word for synonym?
What is another word for thesaurus?
Can fat people go skinnydipping?
If eyes have eyebrows, why aren't
moustaches called mouthbrows?
Did the early settlers ever go camping?
What would happen if you xeroxed a
If you try to fail, and succeed, which
have you done?
What hair color do they put on the
drivers licenses of bald men?
Do illiterate people get the full effect
of alphabet soup?
If someone tells you he is a chronic
liar, should you believe him?
When it rains, do cotton fields shrink?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
can you read correctly?
What is the speed of dark?
If a vampire can't see his reflection,
how does his hair stay so neat?
Is animal shampoo tested on humans?
I thought about how mothers feed their
babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered,
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Does a tanker truck full of helium weigh
more full or empty?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled
If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If you drove at the speed of light,
would your headlights work?
If you were traveling at the speed of
sound, and you turned on your radio, would you be able
to hear it?
Why do we know about the "Secret
Why do they put pictures of criminals up
in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to
them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while
they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if
sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help
others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing
After eating, do amphibians have to wait
an hour to get out of the water?
What did tornadoes sound like before
trains were invented?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but
darken our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do
Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your
money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they sterilize the needle for
You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole
plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
ONLY IN AMERICA:
- I once heard it said you should live every day as if
it were your last. So I don't do laundry any more.
After all, who wants to do laundry on the last day of
- Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it
- I doubt, therefore I might be.
- Why do toasters even have a setting that burns the toast to
a horrible crisp?
- I was shopping at a general store, but they wouldn't let me
buy anything specific.
- No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is
- Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes
was not putting on your armor, because you were "just going
down to the corner."
- All generalizations are wrong.
- If somebody vanishes without a trace, how do people know
they are missing?
- What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but
- If a boomerang always comes back when you throw it, why
bother throwing it in the first place?
- Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away
and have their shoes.
- Why do we say something "is out of whack"? What's a whack?
- Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the
shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime
next door went nuts!
- Why can't women can't put on mascara with their mouth
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
- I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.
- First time cross-country skiers should choose a small
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever
- Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now
doesn't 'this' look yummy!"
- Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's
butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat"?
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before I
- Four fifths of all people have trouble with fractions.
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- How did a fool and his money GET together in the first
- It's not an illusion, it just looks like one.
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- The early bird gets the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the
- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
they take Prozac to make it normal.
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke. !
Only in America.......do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'
and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with